Grading Billboard’s Top 5 – December 26, 2017

I’m starting a new series today where I listen to the Top 5 songs on Billboard’s Hot 100 and evaluate each song. Most of the songs I’ve never heard of. I guarantee this won’t be pretty.

  1. “Perfect” – Ed Sheeran and Beyonce. What? It’s not Ed Sheeran ft. Beyonce? This is the way we used to do it in the old days – giving stars equal billing. It’s called a duet. That being said, Ed Sheeran puts me to sleep, even more so than Coldplay or Train. He’s soooo white bread. But at least it’s music, which I’m not expecting much of in this week’s top 5. It’s basically Ed, Beyonce and an acoustic guitar, which should be good. And it’s not bad, just boring – Ed Sheeran boring. Beyonce puts a little testosterone in it during her part, and then the two join forces at the end. I can see why it’s number 1: Two superstars coming together to dominate the charts, and it worked. Did I mention, though, that it’s boring? Grade: B-.
  2. “Rockstar” – Post Malone ft. 21 Savage – you know you’re in for something when the video opens with a parental advisory. Video aside, this is a guy who just can’t sing, so he leans on profanity on almost every verse for shock value. The background music is okay, and the groove is slow, but it’s not a slow song by any means. At least he mentions Bon Scott in the song. Otherwise, there’s not much here. (I never heard 21 Savage, although he is a “featured artist.” Almost every song nowadays has to have “featuring,” because for some reason artists can’t sing solo anymore. Grade: D.
  3. “Havana” (Camila Cabello ft. Young Thug) – This song is a little repetitive, with the same chord progression throughout the song. Cabello’s voice is good enough, but then she turns it over to Young Thug, the “featured artist”, who needs Auto-Tune to sound on-key. I got bored after 2 minutes. Grade: C.
  4. “Gucci Gang” (Lil Pump) – I don’t know what “Lil Pump” is. But he has a way with words. The first 14 words of the song are “Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang”. Brilliant! Of course, he has to rhyme “gang” with “cocaine”. Rated R lyrics – tell me, why does rap have to be so vulgar? We survived 60 years of the Hot 100 without it. If this is pop music, then pop music is dead. Grade: F.
  5. “No Limit” (G-Eazy ft. A$AP Rocky and Cardi B) – Here we have yet another rap “song,” and the third song in the top 5 that “features” someone. It took three people to put this together, not counting the producers and engineers? This is sheer crap, with a tiresome typical rap accompaniment to G-Eazy (Hey, that’s not how you spell easy – thanks for ruining spelling for a generation of kids), whose lyrics are downright filthy (again) when they’re not stretching for rhymes:
    • Pipe her/like her/wife her – the verb to wife…hmmm..
    • Sober/over/boulder – not even close.
    • Kamaiyah/jambalaya – well, at least he’s getting creative. First time I’ve heard “jambalaya” in a song.

This is rap at its worst. And this is the number 5 song in the land? Grade: F.

Lord help me. This series may not last more than a month.

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